(1) Stressed. A few weeks ago a couple of big things happened at work and I suddenly was thrown a curve ball that has basically tripled my workload. The good thing is, this leaves me with little time to stress about trying to conceive. I used to be constantly sneaking looks at my chart and obsessing over when I'll ovulate or if this will be our month. I barely have time to go to the bathroom at work anymore. We're definitely still trying, but I'm not obsessing over it all day long.
(2) Weirdly calm. The onslaught of added pressure and responsibility would have been enough to reduce me to mush a few months ago. I've actually been surprising myself (and I think some other people, too) with how oddly calm I have been handling everything lately. I'm not sure if I'm getting emotionally stronger or if I'm just becoming numb to extreme stress.
(3) Sad. I lost my main support person at work: the friend I was able to go vent and cry to. Even though I probably really freaked him out with how much of a hot mess I was, he was always very understanding and supportive and helped me through the tough months after I came back to work after losing Dominic. At first I thought that losing him would be crippling for me, that I'd be locking myself in bathrooms huddled over the toilet in tears feeling alone. However - as thankful as I am for all that he did for me - he sort of coddled me. By giving me that safe space to be vulnerable in, it almost encouraged me to cry. It did not give me any opportunity to become stronger, because I didn't need to be. Now, with him gone and me on my own, I have to be strong. I have to keep it together at all times. And surprisingly... I am.
(4) Frustrated. We are on our 6th cycle of actively trying to conceive, I think it's only natural for me to feel frustrated. Although I am not nearly as frustrated as I was a couple of months ago. I feel like I have a plan. All of our tests so far have come back normal. Logically, there should be no physical reason why we are unable to get pregnant. So really it should just be a matter of time. I still have my appointment with the fertility doctor in September, and I am not feeling the need to rush that. It would be a shame to spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatments if there is actually nothing wrong with me besides impatience.
(5) Actually...okay. I realized after reading through the list above that I'm really not struggling too hard with any of them. Everything I wrote, I ended it with how it's actually not all that bad or what the bright side to it was. And it really is the truth. I went out to dinner with some friends the other night, two of which were pregnant, and did not spend the whole time feeling green with envy. I was actually thrilled I could have a few glasses of wine after the long day at work I just had, and was not the least bit envious of my 9-month-pregnant friend across the table who was about to bust out of her scrub pants. Not that I don't wish I was pregnant, of course I do, but for the first time in a long time I could also appreciate the positive side of my own situation. I'm starting to realize that I can enjoy my life the way it is now AND want a baby simultaneously. No one said they have to be mutually exclusive.