I haven't written much mostly because I don't think anyone is really interested in the neurotic ramblings of a terrified pregnant girl. So I'll make this short and sweet. I would like to give myself credit for holding it together relatively well this pregnancy... up until this point. With my anatomy scan coming up in less than a week, I am getting extremely anxious. The anatomy scan is when everything started to go downhill with Dominic. I just keep thinking that if we can just get past this milestone, everything will be okay and I'll finally be able to accept that this is our rainbow baby. But the truth is, there are still plenty more things that could go wrong even after that point, and we aren't even there yet. Please please please universe, I beg you... do not let history repeat itself this time.
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Now that the cat is out of the bag at work, I am APPALLED at some of the things that have been said to me since people have found out that I'm pregnant. Here are some things that you should really NEVER ever say to a woman pregnant after loss. Some of these are inspired by this list from the Pregnancy After Loss Support website, but I have experienced pretty much all of them. 1. "Do they know why you lost the first baby?" I have been SHOCKED to receive this reaction from people. That's right - multiple people have asked me this question. I really just want to say "why are you asking??" Are you tallying in your head right now the odds of this pregnancy working out better than the last? Are you implying that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant again? Or are you just finally comfortable enough to ask me this question, which you've been wondering about for almost a year, because now that I'm pregnant again I must be "okay" enough to ask? Whatever the reason.. it's completely inappropriate. Please do not ask me. I will not tell you. 2. "Maybe you'll have better luck this time around." This is not about luck. This is just rude to say. If an engaged friend's fiancé died and now she got engaged to a new guy, you wouldn't say "Maybe you'll have better luck this time around," would you? I hope not, because that would be super inappropriate. 3. "Are you so excited?" Sure, I'm excited - when I'm not too busy being terrified out of my mind. 4. "Just be positive, it'll all work out!" Oh really? Will it? So in your medical opinion, THAT was the problem with my first pregnancy? My negativity killed my baby? I know some people are gung-ho about the whole "power of positive thinking," thing. But honestly, I was very positive about Baby#2 and that got me absolutely nowhere. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it doesn't matter WHAT you think or how you feel... the baby is either going to be healthy or it's not, and there's absolutely nothing that your "state of mind" can do about it. 5. "Are you doing anything differently this time?" This implies that I did something wrong the first time around that killed my baby. Thanks for calling me a murderer, welp, see ya' later! 6. "Did you feel this way your 1st pregnancy?" This question is usually a follow up from someone asking me how I've been feeling - to which the answer is almost always "horrible." But while you might be trying to show concern, what you're actually implying is that you think my completely *normal* pregnancy symptoms (nausea, headaches, indigestion, etc.) are somehow indicative of the health of my baby. When really, the degree to which a mother feels pregnancy symptoms has absolutely nothing to do with the health of their baby. I know plenty of women (my mother included), who were so ridiculously sick when they were pregnant but ended up having perfectly healthy babies. And please stop suggesting that I "just take something." For obvious and understandable reasons, I am not comfortable taking medication while pregnant unless absolutely necessary. And since you're not a doctor... I don't care how safe you think it is. 7. "Are you excited to become a mom?" I ALREADY AM A MOM! I had a son. His name was Dominic. We have been over this. 8. "Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice!" Yes it does. I already lost my second baby. I know plenty of women who have lost multiple pregnancies. I'm on my third. The more losses you have, the higher your chances get of losing the next one. Unfortunately, this is not usually a "one and done" deal. 9. "It'll be fine!" You literally have no way of knowing that. The first time around everyone was constantly telling me everything would be fine, even though I had a very strong feeling that it was not going to be. From the VERY BEGINNING I was terrified something would be wrong with Dominic. I remember saying to my mom and my husband, pretty early on, that for some reason I just didn't feel like that baby would be my take-home baby. Everyone always told me everything would be fine. But really, they had no idea then what was going to happen. And they have no idea now. So don't lie to me. I know you're just trying to be encouraging, but your lackadaisical attitude about everything "working out" just because it should isn't realistic. And I know better. 10. "You're out of the first trimester, you're in the safe zone!" No, I'm not. I lost Dominic at 19 weeks. There is no "safe zone." I have seen women at my hospital lose babies in the second and third trimester as well. It happens. Stillbirths happen. 11. "Do you want a boy or a girl?" I don't care. As far as this pregnancy is concerned, the gender is the thing I care the least about. I don't have the luxury of going to my ultrasound appointments excited to find out the gender, I have the burden of hoping the baby will still be alive by my next ultrasound. 12. "Is this your first?" This one is tricky because if you know me well enough to know my history with Dominic then obviously you wouldn't be asking me this question. But there are obviously people who don't know what happened and therefore ask me this question and it's really hard to answer. The most simple answer is "yes," but then I usually feel horribly guilty after for denying the existence of my son. But if I say "no, I lost a son," it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. So really, my advice is just not to ask anyone about their reproductive history. You don't know if they've had miscarriages, stillbirths, etc., and they probably don't want to discuss it with you. 13. "OMG you're HUGE!" This one is not specifically for women pregnant after a loss, but I'm pretty sure I speak for all pregnant women everywhere when I say - PLEASE do not point out how fat I am. I'm obviously aware. I'm the one who has to see myself in the mirror every day, rub cocoa butter on my belly every night, and hesitantly peak at the number on the scale as it creeps on up. Calling someone "huge" is insensitive and mean, and it's embarrassing for us. So please don't do it. To anyone. Ever. No excuses. With all of that being said - the MAJORITY of people have been very supportive and considerate. The best reactions I have received have been quiet hugs with whispers of "I am so happy for you guys," "Congratulations," and "I will pray for you." Faith in humanity - restored. A year ago today, I was being induced to give birth to my sleeping baby boy. Even though I am pregnant again, the pain of this week is still very real. While I am appreciative that being pregnant might make it a bit easier, I am now acutely aware that this baby will not replace Dominic. I just miss my baby.
It bodes well to try and reflect on the trials of the last year and find whatever can be found to be appreciated. I know I am stronger than I was a year ago. I know that it takes a lot more to really get me upset and worked up. I've gained a lot of perspective on that. I have had the pleasure to get to know a wonderful, strong group of women from all over the world who have been through what I have been through. I've also gained insight into the amount of suffering that goes on in people's personal lives that we may know nothing about. Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone is fighting their own battle. Ironically, it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, so tonight I will be lighting a candle in the window for my angel baby at 7PM, and so will thousands of other women around the world. |
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AuthorI am a 28-year-old who has survived 2 pregnancy losses in less than 6 months. The point of this blog is to document how I am feeling, in the hopes that one day I will be able to look back on all of this and be grateful for my struggle. And in the meantime, maybe it will help some people understand what I'm going through, or help someone who's currently going through a similar situation feel less alone. Archives
November 2015
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