It has been almost 9 months since I lost my son, he would have been almost 4 months old by now. It has been almost 5 months since I lost Baby #2, I would have been 6 months pregnant, by now.
Let's talk about patience and how I don't have any left. I'm also feeling pretty low on "virtue," as the whole "God's plan" thing is just really frustrating me and causing me more anger than comfort. If you would have told me back in October that I still would not be pregnant with a healthy rainbow baby by July, I would have lost my damn mind. I have seen others get pregnant, announce their pregnancies, and have their babies now in the time since I have lost my son. If you would have told me back in the beginning of 2014 when we first started trying that after a year and a half of pain and suffering, I would still not be any closer to having a baby as I was on day one... well I probably wouldn't have started trying at all. My doctor has run some lab work on my husband and myself and everything has come back completely normal. I have made an appointment with a fertility specialist but the earliest they can fit me in is September. There will be a lot more tests that need to be run, but logically - I can't understand what could have happened in the last year to make me infertile. My body should be more than capable of getting pregnant - it did twice. So I guess I'm going to have to draw my patience from a place of logic rather than faith.
Also - let's talk about patience for the virtuous people in my life who put up with my shit on a daily basis. I realize that there is nothing you can do or say to make me feel any better. Really - short of handing me a crystal ball that shows a future with me holding a happy, healthy rainbow baby - there's nothing you can do. I concede that I am really frustrating to talk to for that reason. So thank you for putting up with me, I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for you and all of the time you've spent counseling and consoling me. But I'm still struggling, and I still need you. So please be patient with me.
Final side note: you should know how hard it was for me to write "patience" and not "patients." Seriously my backspace key is almost broken from the abuse it just took in writing this post. #nurseproblems