I really thought that a healthy anatomy scan would involve this amazing moment where I could finally breathe a huge sigh of relief. That's not how it was at all. It was filled with horrible memories from last time and mixed feelings and just an overall lack of believing what they were telling me. But in the last week I've really been trying to accept that I got good news, as far as we know this baby is healthy, and I should start to enjoy this pregnancy. After all, there are perks... for instance...
I finally had my anatomy scan last week, and even though we got pretty much good news, I had a hard time accepting it right away. I think the lead up of so many weeks of anxiety really all just came to a head and I was too emotional at the time to accept what they were really telling me. We have a follow up ultrasound next week, but so far, baby is healthy.
I really thought that a healthy anatomy scan would involve this amazing moment where I could finally breathe a huge sigh of relief. That's not how it was at all. It was filled with horrible memories from last time and mixed feelings and just an overall lack of believing what they were telling me. But in the last week I've really been trying to accept that I got good news, as far as we know this baby is healthy, and I should start to enjoy this pregnancy. After all, there are perks... for instance...
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I haven't written much mostly because I don't think anyone is really interested in the neurotic ramblings of a terrified pregnant girl. So I'll make this short and sweet. I would like to give myself credit for holding it together relatively well this pregnancy... up until this point. With my anatomy scan coming up in less than a week, I am getting extremely anxious. The anatomy scan is when everything started to go downhill with Dominic. I just keep thinking that if we can just get past this milestone, everything will be okay and I'll finally be able to accept that this is our rainbow baby. But the truth is, there are still plenty more things that could go wrong even after that point, and we aren't even there yet. Please please please universe, I beg you... do not let history repeat itself this time.
Now that the cat is out of the bag at work, I am APPALLED at some of the things that have been said to me since people have found out that I'm pregnant. Here are some things that you should really NEVER ever say to a woman pregnant after loss. Some of these are inspired by this list from the Pregnancy After Loss Support website, but I have experienced pretty much all of them. 1. "Do they know why you lost the first baby?" I have been SHOCKED to receive this reaction from people. That's right - multiple people have asked me this question. I really just want to say "why are you asking??" Are you tallying in your head right now the odds of this pregnancy working out better than the last? Are you implying that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant again? Or are you just finally comfortable enough to ask me this question, which you've been wondering about for almost a year, because now that I'm pregnant again I must be "okay" enough to ask? Whatever the reason.. it's completely inappropriate. Please do not ask me. I will not tell you. 2. "Maybe you'll have better luck this time around." This is not about luck. This is just rude to say. If an engaged friend's fiancé died and now she got engaged to a new guy, you wouldn't say "Maybe you'll have better luck this time around," would you? I hope not, because that would be super inappropriate. 3. "Are you so excited?" Sure, I'm excited - when I'm not too busy being terrified out of my mind. 4. "Just be positive, it'll all work out!" Oh really? Will it? So in your medical opinion, THAT was the problem with my first pregnancy? My negativity killed my baby? I know some people are gung-ho about the whole "power of positive thinking," thing. But honestly, I was very positive about Baby#2 and that got me absolutely nowhere. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it doesn't matter WHAT you think or how you feel... the baby is either going to be healthy or it's not, and there's absolutely nothing that your "state of mind" can do about it. 5. "Are you doing anything differently this time?" This implies that I did something wrong the first time around that killed my baby. Thanks for calling me a murderer, welp, see ya' later! 6. "Did you feel this way your 1st pregnancy?" This question is usually a follow up from someone asking me how I've been feeling - to which the answer is almost always "horrible." But while you might be trying to show concern, what you're actually implying is that you think my completely *normal* pregnancy symptoms (nausea, headaches, indigestion, etc.) are somehow indicative of the health of my baby. When really, the degree to which a mother feels pregnancy symptoms has absolutely nothing to do with the health of their baby. I know plenty of women (my mother included), who were so ridiculously sick when they were pregnant but ended up having perfectly healthy babies. And please stop suggesting that I "just take something." For obvious and understandable reasons, I am not comfortable taking medication while pregnant unless absolutely necessary. And since you're not a doctor... I don't care how safe you think it is. 7. "Are you excited to become a mom?" I ALREADY AM A MOM! I had a son. His name was Dominic. We have been over this. 8. "Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice!" Yes it does. I already lost my second baby. I know plenty of women who have lost multiple pregnancies. I'm on my third. The more losses you have, the higher your chances get of losing the next one. Unfortunately, this is not usually a "one and done" deal. 9. "It'll be fine!" You literally have no way of knowing that. The first time around everyone was constantly telling me everything would be fine, even though I had a very strong feeling that it was not going to be. From the VERY BEGINNING I was terrified something would be wrong with Dominic. I remember saying to my mom and my husband, pretty early on, that for some reason I just didn't feel like that baby would be my take-home baby. Everyone always told me everything would be fine. But really, they had no idea then what was going to happen. And they have no idea now. So don't lie to me. I know you're just trying to be encouraging, but your lackadaisical attitude about everything "working out" just because it should isn't realistic. And I know better. 10. "You're out of the first trimester, you're in the safe zone!" No, I'm not. I lost Dominic at 19 weeks. There is no "safe zone." I have seen women at my hospital lose babies in the second and third trimester as well. It happens. Stillbirths happen. 11. "Do you want a boy or a girl?" I don't care. As far as this pregnancy is concerned, the gender is the thing I care the least about. I don't have the luxury of going to my ultrasound appointments excited to find out the gender, I have the burden of hoping the baby will still be alive by my next ultrasound. 12. "Is this your first?" This one is tricky because if you know me well enough to know my history with Dominic then obviously you wouldn't be asking me this question. But there are obviously people who don't know what happened and therefore ask me this question and it's really hard to answer. The most simple answer is "yes," but then I usually feel horribly guilty after for denying the existence of my son. But if I say "no, I lost a son," it will be extremely awkward and uncomfortable. So really, my advice is just not to ask anyone about their reproductive history. You don't know if they've had miscarriages, stillbirths, etc., and they probably don't want to discuss it with you. 13. "OMG you're HUGE!" This one is not specifically for women pregnant after a loss, but I'm pretty sure I speak for all pregnant women everywhere when I say - PLEASE do not point out how fat I am. I'm obviously aware. I'm the one who has to see myself in the mirror every day, rub cocoa butter on my belly every night, and hesitantly peak at the number on the scale as it creeps on up. Calling someone "huge" is insensitive and mean, and it's embarrassing for us. So please don't do it. To anyone. Ever. No excuses. With all of that being said - the MAJORITY of people have been very supportive and considerate. The best reactions I have received have been quiet hugs with whispers of "I am so happy for you guys," "Congratulations," and "I will pray for you." Faith in humanity - restored. Tomorrow I will officially be in my second trimester. Since this is the point in most women's pregnancies that they decide to announce it to the world, I am very torn about what to do. Basically my feelings on this subject are at two complete ends of the spectrum. 1. Part of me wants to keep this pregnancy a secret for 9 months. I want to be 40 weeks pregnant and still claiming that I just had a big breakfast. I don't want anyone to know unless they have to for as long as possible. I didn't announce my pregnancy with Dominic until 16 weeks, well past the so-called "safe zone" for announcing a pregnancy. Obviously the desire to keep this hidden for as long as possible is based solely on fear... fear that it'll happen again. 2. But what if it does? I was not ashamed to have to tell people what happened with Dominic, in fact it was the least difficult part of losing him. I received such an overwhelming outpouring of love and support from other people, and it actually really did help. So what if it does happen again? I will need the support of those closest to me. It's safe to say there will be no cute pregnancy announcements mailed out or posted on Facebook. Most of my close friends and family already know that I'm pregnant. But it's getting to the point where if I lose this baby, I will need people to know why I'm a total wreck. Most people at work are probably onto me already. Realistically, I am starting to show, and I really won't be able to keep this a secret at work for much longer. At the advice of a friend, I think I will just tell the people at work who already know, that they don't have to keep it a secret anymore. That way there will be no "big announcement," but with the way information flies around that place, everyone will just know. BEHOLD: my chicken nugget looks much less like a chicken nugget and much more like a tiny human. Warning: this post is going to be a bunch of complaining. But to be clear, I am not complaining THAT I am pregnant. I am so happy to be pregnant, I've wanted and prayed for this for months. I am just complaining that I am not one of those women who "glows" when they are pregnant. You know, one of those pregnant women whose hair gets thick and shiny, never feels sick a day in their life, is "all bump," and gets beautiful glowing skin. I am not one of those women. I get backne. I will also preface this moaning and whining with this disclaimer: Mom, I know you had it worse. Mad props. You're amazing. So some people who are privy to the pregnancy keep asking me how I'm feeling and here is my honest account of how I am feeling: 1. I am nauseous... ALL the time. Not just in the morning, not just at night, ALL the time. The only time I am NOT nauseous is when I am eating. Which is why I am constantly snacking. The problem is, there is not much that I actually WANT to eat. Nothing seems appetizing. But I have to eat, because if my stomach gets too empty, I throw up. This is similar to my first pregnancy, and I had definitely forgotten just how miserable it was. 2. I am tired... always. I could nap anywhere, any time, if left sitting quietly for too long. I fall asleep at night the second my head hits the pillow... 3. ...But I can't sleep through the night, because I have to get up to pee in the middle of the night. Once I do that, I get nauseous and can't fall back asleep. 4. I am so sore. The first pregnancy, I remember people telling me it was much too early for my hips and pelvic bones to start aching. I swore it was real, and it definitely was, because now that I am pregnant again, the exact same aches and pains are back. This time around, I know that I have a retroverted uterus. So now it makes perfect sense that instead of my uterus growing straight up like most women, it's growing back and up. So it's spreading my hips and pressing on my sciatic nerve. Which is unpleasant, to say the least. 5. I feel so fat. I definitely started showing earlier this pregnancy than the first. But I am in the in-between stage where most people probably think I'm just fat. I can't fit in any of my jeans or leggings, and even if I could squeeze into them, I can't stand the tightness around my belly. It makes me throw up immediately. It's too early and awkward to wear maternity clothes. So I'm just stuck. By the end of the day at work, the elastic band on my scrub pants is holding on for dear life. Most women who are unfortunate like me and have rough first trimesters at least have the fact that their symptoms will start to subside after the 1st trimester to look forward to. I am not one of these women. With Dominic, my nausea/vomiting didn't stop until 16 weeks. So even though I am getting closer to the end of the 1st trimester, I've still got at least 6 more weeks of feeling like this: Until I start feeling like this.....
It's been 6 weeks since I found out I was pregnant... And I find myself surprised about how much less stress I've been under. Mostly because that constant nagging fear of, "will I ever have a baby of my own?" has been- for the time being - quieted. I thought for sure I'd be a nervous wreck when I was finally pregnant again, obsessing over everything that could possibly go wrong. Of course, it crosses my mind... In the middle of the night when I can't sleep. But it's not a constant obsession, an all-consuming fear... Like I thought it was going to be. I'm oddly calm. Maybe I'm in denial a little bit. Maybe because I know that even if the worst happens, I can survive it. A really nice thing about being pregnant again is that it takes the sting of jealousy off of seeing other people's pregnant bellies/babies. I used to really love babies. I used to be that girl at the family party who took the baby and held it the whole time. "Baby Fever," they would call it. After losing Dominic, I completely ignored other people's babies. I hadn't held, or even acknowledged, a baby in at least 9 months. It was just too painful. It's just so much easier now. I realized this soon after I found out I was pregnant, we were at a party with an 8 month old baby, and where a few months ago I would have completely ignored the baby and avoided the mother, my first instinct was to go up and ask if I could hold him. I find myself asking pregnant women how they're feeling, and new parents how their baby is doing. This weekend in particular we are in the mountains with my in-laws' entire family. There is a baby girl who was born a month before Dominic was due. Her mom and I were exactly 4 weeks apart, and would check in with each other often about how our pregnancies were progressing. But when she found out the good news that she was having a girl, I found out the horrible news about Dominic. I'm sorry if it makes me a bad person but until this weekend I had never even acknowledged her little girl. Now, I can't seem to put her down. With her chubby cheeks and huge blue eyes, she's impossible to resist, and although she's got a little bit of a fear of strangers, her parents were amazed at how she came straight to me. I held her and played with her for hours. But it was only when I was left alone for a while, sitting on a porch swing with my dogs by my side and this adorable little baby on my lap... That I realized how sad I still am. I was supposed to have a baby only a few weeks younger than her right now. I will always look at her and immediately think of Dominic, and how he would have been the same age as her. Yes, this new pregnancy gives me so much hope for the future, but this new baby will not replace Dominic. There will always be a hole in my heart for the little dark-haired boy who should have been here, sitting on my lap chewing on his fingers and babbling nonsense words while giggling at the dogs. Even if I go on to have 10 healthy children (which I won't), I will always miss that little boy. Behold: my healthy, perfectly-measuring, heart-beating chicken nugget. It's really hard to tell if my "bad feelings" about this pregnancy are intuitive (like I think they were with Dominic) or just pessimism. I had myself CONVINCED there would be no heartbeat on the ultrasound today... but it was there. Just beating away. Minding it's own business. We even saw the baby wiggle around a little. It's crazy that something inside me the size of a blueberry can wiggle. It's official. We have created a tiny human. Or mobile chicken nugget. Too early to tell. This was a huge relief, but I'm not sure how long this reassurance will last. A month? A few weeks? A day? An hour? It really could go any way at this point. I am understandably still anxious about letting people know about this pregnancy. But I do think some people at work are onto me. If you know me in real life and you know that I'm pregnant but I'm clearly pretending that I'm not... just keep it a secret with me a little longer 'kay? I'll let everyone know when I'm ready. Just in case you were curious. I will be going on a much-needed vacation this week, hopefully getting lots of rest and stuffing my face. It's gonna be great. Bon voyage!
Because it's probably too early to see anything. And even though the rational, logical side of you knows this, the emotional, irrational side of you will freak out.
Most doctors will not do ultrasounds this early in pregnancy for this exact reason. But mine did. I thought that maybe I'd be in that small lucky percentage of women who would already be able to see the baby and the baby's heartbeat in the 5th week and I would get some of the reassurance I'm so desperately searching for. I'm not sure what delusional force came over me that made me think I could be "lucky." Not me. Not anymore. They did see a sac, but nothing in it. It's too early to diagnose a "blighted ovum," so I have to go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. Plenty of women have this happen early in their pregnancies and go on to have perfectly healthy babies... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Patience.... I must have patience. Beta Hcg 1,150 -> 6,180! More than quadrupled in 96 hours!
Well that hurdle's overcome. On to the ultrasounds..... |
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AuthorI am a 28-year-old who has survived 2 pregnancy losses in less than 6 months. The point of this blog is to document how I am feeling, in the hopes that one day I will be able to look back on all of this and be grateful for my struggle. And in the meantime, maybe it will help some people understand what I'm going through, or help someone who's currently going through a similar situation feel less alone. Archives
November 2015
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