On the one hand- I am excited. This could be it. This could be our rainbow, take-home baby. This could be the beginning of the end of our 18-month-long struggle to become parents, and that would be such a relief. I start to think of what the due date would be (April 7th, by the way) and how far along I'll be at certain times (holidays, weddings, reunions, etc). I start to feel happy and confident and excited but there is always something that stops me dead in my mental tracks. And it's not a tiny nagging in the back of my mind. It's a big, ominous foreboding that comes from a dark place inside me and warns "don't get too happy, you know all too well what could happen here."
When women who have never suffered a loss get that first positive pregnancy test, they can immediately let their hearts go wild with dreams for their future with their child. They start asking themselves exciting questions like: How will we announce the pregnancy? What astrological sign will my baby be? How big will I be by Christmas? Do I want a boy or a girl? What names do I like? What nursery theme will we choose? When will my baby shower be? What kind of person will my baby be? I wonder what my baby will look like?
I was one of those women once.
I'm not anymore.
I'd be lying if I said things like that haven't entered my mind at all, but those thoughts are immediately interrupted by thoughts like: What if tomorrow the home pregnancy test is suddenly negative? What if my beta levels don't increase? What if, on the viability scan, they can't find a heartbeat? What if they find a heartbeat, but by the next ultrasound it's not there anymore? What if I miscarry? What if there's something wrong with the baby?
The worst part of it is that there really will be no end to my worrying and uncertainty until at least 20 weeks. And every single test and milestone will cause just as much anxiety, if not more, than the last. It's like I'm just waiting for it all to fall apart, it's just a matter of when.
So my struggle is basically whether or not to allow myself to be happy. I obviously can't just throw caution to the wind and be recklessly joyful. That innocence of pregnancy is gone for me. But of course, there's the completely valid argument that whether I consciously allow myself to fully embrace this pregnancy or not, if I lose it, I will be devastated either way. So is there even a point in building up walls to protect my heart, if they'll just come crashing down regardless if we lose this baby?