There's new pregnancy announcements and ultrasound pictures on Facebook and Instagram every single day. Each one is like a kick in the gut. There was one day with a pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, and birth announcement posted on Facebook all within an hour of each other. It's not like I expect these women not to celebrate their pregnancies, and it is absolutely not that I wish what happened to me upon them. I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy.
It's not just the announcements (believe me I've attempted to quit social media a few times since October), but this pregnancy crap is everywhere. Work, the mall, the grocery store, movies, TV shows, commercials, bumper stickers, billboards... everywhere. And every time I see a pregnant woman walking along, blissfully rubbing her belly it feels like I've suddenly gotten the wind knocked out of me. It's not like I've forgotten what happened to me and these things suddenly remind me. But it does sometimes feel like the universe is cruelly throwing it in my face. I feel like wherever I go and whatever I do, I am constantly surrounded by reminders that other people are pregnant and I am not. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the preggo/mommy club. I just want to be a member of it again. I was for 5 months and was very rudely and abruptly stripped of my membership.
And it's not like I thought everyone was going to put their own life plans on hold just because mine had come to a screeching halt. But I do feel like I'm standing completely still and everyone else's lives are speeding past mine. Even if they're not necessarily in the same place as me in their life right now, at least they're mobile. New jobs, new degrees, new boyfriends, new houses, new engagements, new marriages... new babies. And here I am, with my feet cemented to the ground, just watching them all pass me by. Because I'm stuck here. I achieved everything I wanted to up until this point. Everything I have done up until now was all in preparation for this next step in my life. I suppose a wiser woman would reevaluate her life goals... but I think I'm in a little too deep right now for that.
So I constantly keep asking myself the question, "why her and not me?"
A friend of mine who had struggled with infertility for years (and is thankfully pregnant right now after a successful IVF), put it to me perfectly when she said "I know how hard it is to watch the people around you get what you are dying to have." This was also followed by "Keep the faith." I'm trying. I really am. I just don't understand why something can be so easy for some people and so difficult for others. I work at an inner-city hospital and see some of the worst human beings on earth become parents with ease. I see horrible, terrible women with drug problems and baby-daddy drama and 11 living children come in super pregnant, begging for pain medicine. Pain medicine that they and I both know will cause harm to their baby. But they don't care. Because procreating has been so simple for them, usually even an accident. An accident. How can some women have perfectly healthy babies by accident when it seems almost impossible to women like me? How can I look at these women and not think, "why her and not me?"
Sometimes I wonder if I am being punished for my sins. Maybe if I was a better person I would be blessed with a healthy baby. I wish I was a good enough person not to feel so envious of other pregnant women and new mothers. But if I'm being honest, the way I feel whenever I see a new pregnancy announcement is (sorry, Mom)....