On February 6th, I lost my second baby at 5 weeks. It was very early, and in no way nearly as devastating as losing Dominic. But the added loss, the added fear, has slowly eaten away at me. At first I had a relatively positive outlook about it. At least it happened early. At least I know I can get pregnant, right?
Chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages are extremely common and my second loss is most likely in no way related to what happened with my first. And I was confident that this loss was in no way my fault. Not that I feel responsible for what happened to Dominic. I've had specialists tell me that he was just a "fluke" and nothing I did or did not do caused what happened to him. But since they never really did find out what went wrong, I will always wonder if it was something I did. (I feel myself going off on a tangent so I'll definitely have to write a post about guilt at some point). Anyway, this time, this pregnancy, I KNOW I did everything right. However, in the month since my second loss, my doubts and fears have increased ten-fold. Sure, I know I can get pregnant. But what does it matter if I can't stay pregnant? My husband and I have vowed to each other that we will not give up on our dream of becoming parents no matter what, whether it comes to IVF or adoption, we are not going to give up. My fear now is... how many more babies will I have to lose in order to become a mother?