One of my darkest times since I lost Dominic was during the waiting period before we could start trying again, and I think this was largely due to the fact that I felt so helpless. There I was, waking up day in and day out feeling completely miserable because I don't have a baby but completely unable to do anything about it. I watched several other women in my life become pregnant during those few months. This was also over the holidays, which just adds an extra depressing tint to everything.
But I obviously made it through and with the new year came a new chance at a baby. And at least while we were trying again, I had something positive to focus on and strive for. I was still depressed but at least there was something I was doing to put an end to the depression. There wasn't necessarily a "light at the end of the tunnel," yet, but at least I was finally on the road that has the tunnel on it...
And then we had our second loss... And I was told to wait again. In a fairy tale world I would tell you that I spent this time doing amazing things. I cured cancer. I solved world hunger. I got a new hobby.... but none of these are true. I just woke up everyday, went to work, and attempted not to cry in front of anyone. A lot of days I failed even at that.
And now the waiting time is up again, and I was originally elated. We get to try again! And I know I can get pregnant! But wait... hold on there, sister. What if it happens again? Then what? Then something is probably actually wrong with me. Then I'll probably have to go see a specialist. My husband and I will both probably have to have a slew of tests done. And I'll probably be told to wait like 3-6 months to try again. Which is what I'm most afraid of at this point. Not the tests or the specialists, but the waiting. My mom likes to tell me I'll learn a lesson in patience from all of this, but so far... no lesson learned. How many more months of my life will I sit by and watch other people get what I so desperately want? Now don't get me wrong, I understand that there are women whose journey to a baby took years and I've only been on my journey for a year, so far. But I think after the giant, meteor-sized pothole in the middle of my journey, I'm entitled to a little impatience. So while I am excited at the chance to try again, I am also paralyzed by fear. What if it happens again?
"Everything you want is on the other side of fear." - Jack Canfield