I really want to go back to Paris this summer if we can afford it. A few people have asked me, though, if I associate Europe with bad memories because we lost Dominic and I was pregnant with him while we were there. A few other people have asked me if I am worried I might be pregnant again for this second trip, and if I'm afraid that traveling was what caused what happened to Dominic.
If nothing else, Dominic was a well-traveled fetus. I loved Paris. I loved every single thing about it. I guess I see why some people would think I would be sad when I think about our trip, but honestly I am not sad at all. I will always look back on that trip and smile because it was one of the happiest times in my life. I was living my dream of traveling to Europe, something I really didn't think I would ever have the opportunity to do. It was a "once in a life time" kind of trip. I was happily married, pregnant, and traveling. There were great friends, great food, great scenery, I couldn't have asked for anything more. The only downside was that I couldn't drink all the wine and eat all the cheese. Honestly, if I am pregnant again the second time around, not being able to drink or eat certain things will be the least of my worries.
I specifically remember sitting on the grass, looking up at the Eiffel Tower with my husband's arm around me and daydreaming. I was thinking about how different our lives would be in a few months and how amazing that moment was and marveling at how I could be so lucky to have everything be so perfect. I was just sitting there thinking how ridiculously happy I was, and my husband asked me what was wrong cause I had "crazy resting bitchy face." (This moment proved once and for all that I have no control whatsoever over my resting bitchy face.)
I think about the girl from that moment a lot. I miss her. She was NOT a naively optimistic girl, she was a naturally pessimistic girl who was finally starting to allow herself to be truly happy and have faith that everything would work out. Through whatever other trials she had faced before, everything really did work out in the end. So maybe it was okay to finally let her guard down and believe that it would all be okay. I feel bad for that girl because I know about the train that was about to hit her a few weeks later.
I specifically asked, and was specifically told, that the trip did not cause what happened to Dominic. The kidneys are formed at around 6 weeks gestation. If anything went wrong in his development, it happened at 6 weeks, not 11 weeks. When we got back from the trip I had an ultrasound and saw him flipping around in my belly like an acrobat. He was kicking and punching and bouncing around my uterus like the happiest, healthiest fetus on earth. If anything, I felt much better than I had been while on the trip. It could have been the time change or just the overall lack of stress, but the morning sickness (ahem, all day sickness), that I suffered from for 16 weeks, went on a temporary reprieve while I was in Paris. The whole time we were there I kept joking that my fetus must prefer France to America. I think that trip was good for me and my baby.
Traveling is something I have a passion for, but realize will not be a priority once I have children. So obviously, I want to take the opportunity to plan more trips before I have a baby. Yes, I would have been fine if going to Paris last summer was my last big trip for a really long time, because I would have had a baby boy by now who would have rocked my world. And yes, we are trying to get pregnant again. But I can't continue to live with "trying to conceive" being the only thing I ever think about or look forward to. I need something else to look forward to that does not hinge upon my ability to procreate. Something that is within my control. So if I am pregnant again and I do go to Paris this summer, I hope I can sit at the foot of the Eiffel Tower with my husband and think about everything we have overcome in the past year and how everything will work out in the end. And if I'm not pregnant... at least I can have some amazing French wine and cheese to help make me feel better.